Thursday, March 21, 2024

Hurting and Holding Space -

 There's physical pain - and I've had my share particularly this past 12 years - yet you go to the doctor, surgeon, chiropractor, massage therapist, acupuncturist, rest, meds, etc., and most likely that physical pain will heal, or at the least, bearable. I'm still dealing with the repercussions of cancer treatment and accidents exacerbated because of cancer; one more surgery to go, and hopefully I'm finished. 

There's also physical pain brought on my trauma - physical or emotional, and yesterday at the dentist, he told me my jaw clenching was speeding up the corrosion of my molars, and I would need crowns or bridges. As well, sleep and I haven't been acquaintances for years, and typically my sleep only happens with a pocket-full of well planned and well staged sleeping meds. I get a routine down, sleep well with that, things change, begin again. 

I know where this trauma comes from; I've been here for years, marking the years, months, weeks, until I can be free of some of it and truly heal my physical, brought on by emotional, pain. 

And then there's moral or emotional or spiritual pain. And I think I'm healed and moving forward, until something is said, posted, shared, and the pain comes leaping forward, from the other room where I set it down. And when that door is opened, all sorts of pain leaps out and comes to visit me. 

For the most part I address it, acknowledge it, examine it, breathe through it, then excuse it. And that works; it's what I preach, it's what I practice. I've certainly sat with all of this - whether that's in the operating room, on a journey, with a therapist, or in prayer and contemplation. 

And yet - 

I'm sorely afraid that twenty years of moral, emotional, and spiritual pain is waiting at the closet door, for me to open, and it's a door I must open in order to rid them from my house, rather than move them to another shelf. 

And how do I do this?  NT, Luke 4:23, states, "Physician, heal thyself." Can I expect my clients to listen to me, if I have not taken care of what ails me? Yet I think I have, until I realize I haven't. 

I've worked through so much the past two decades, and I'm proud and pleased at what I have removed from my closet; yet like clothes that no longer fit, but sit in the closet, waiting, wondering, looming, always there, it's time to open the door, sort, and move them out forever. 

Perhaps these past decades of keeping trauma in the closet has been my way of holding space for myself, knowing the time will come, letting go of judging myself, and moving forward with love - for myself, my trauma, my others. 



Thursday, March 7, 2024

Tarot Cards and Eyes on the Prize -

I pull out my tarot cards upon occasion. Just like someone would read their horoscope, a positive daily thought, or their scripture of the day to motivate them through the day, tarot cards do similar - pull one, two, three, five, depending on your desire. 

I have animals and woodland plants, the housewife's recipe deck, goddesses, and sacred journey cards. Depending on how I'm feeling about our session, I will choose a deck, upon the client's request. Never without consent. 

My clients like the cards; they receive some direction, a little validation, and some clarification as they move forward. 

We typically pull for relationships, being stuck and moving forward, as well as looking at the past, present, and future - short and long-term. 

I pulled an interesting series of cards in Sedona, AZ last May. Laying on the table at a crystals store was a deck of Sedona sites cards. I pulled a card for recent past, real-time present, and moving forward. I asked for validation of my path. 

I don't remember the pictures on the first or second card, just that they validated where I'd been and where I was, at that moment. However - the last card really threw me - it was a clear white space, nothing more. And what it said to me was - forge your path moving forward, the world is yours, do with it as you'd like. 

I have definitely done this over the past year, with my Wren House practice as well as the journeys I've traveled. Having that blank card gave me permission to create my own story. 

This past week I pulled cards as well. These came from my Sacred Journey deck. I pulled these for my career paths - have I been where I was supposed to be, am I doing what I need to be doing, and is my forward where I'm supposed to be going. 

I'm feeling pretty good about the message I received. 


Thank you, Robbin for introducing me and gifting me my first deck of cards.

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

Thumbs -

 So this happened 2 1/2 weeks ago. After more than 2 years of attempting to cure a terribly arthritic thumb, without surgery, I had surgery on my left thumb on 1/22/24. 

Feeling better already, particularly knowing the pain I have now is moving forward pain! 

Biggest issues with no thumb - typing, blowing my nose, washing my hair. And yet - 












Friday, January 26, 2024

Never a Dull Moment -

 Let's begin this blog with a magic-filled mid-January run-down: 

Jan. 14 - Church with Knudsen Family, Pizza party at our home with Knudsen's, Holm's, and Birkeland's. Ended with a couple of great games, some sardine eating, and the cutest boy puking. 





Jan. 15 - MLK Day, worked, so many hospital patients, then WrenHouse clients at home. 

Jan. 16 - Work, WrenHouse clients, MM webinar. 

Jan. 17 - Work, WrenHouse clients. Pack for SLC

Jan. 18 - First meal together, although quick, then to Tyli's Drill Team competition. So precise, so magical. 


Jan. 19 - Long awaited weekend in SLC. Looking forward to all activities and time alone, together. 

Psychedelics in the Beehive, featuring Paul Stamets. Attended with a couple of friends, and made a few new friends. 

Jan. 20 - Good night's rest, time for a little shopping - fabric, flour, food, and great conversation with my honey. Came back to the motel and watched a BB game. Early to bed, looking forward to a nice breakfast and The Six! 

Jan. 21 - Scott is sick - food poisoning, 24 hour flu - but he woke up with a stomach bug of some kind. Attempted to rest, hustled to find someone to take our Eccles Theatre The Six tickets (purchased nearly 4 months ago, and so wanting to see) - shared with a friend. Packed the car, headed home with a stop at the grocery store. Scott went to bed, slept 12 hours, then most of the night. I made soup, muffins, cleaned the house, in preparation for tomorrow's surgery. And looked for the magic in the opportunity of coming home earlier than expected. 

Jan. 22 - Thankfully  Scott was feeling  well enough to drive me to the hospital for surgery. Surgery?  Yes, for the past 4 years the pain in my left hand has gotten increasingly worse. It was exacerbated with a fall where I grabbed onto a bar to catch myself, and the past year it has become unbearable. My left hand is my dominant hand (except eating and writing), and my thumb is worn out from years of creating and working. So from cortisone injections to PRP, braces, more cortisone, therapy, it was time for surgery (although I swore of surgeries after my elbow rebuilding). Thumb joint replaced (creatively) by a hand surgeon, and I was home to rest off anesthesia by 1pm. 

Jan. 23 - Scott and I stayed in recovery mode through Tuesday, happily eating soup, muffins, and resting, as well as attending an online retirement workshop (three months!). 

Jan. 24 - Washed hair in kitchen sink, dried and straightened with minimal help from Scott, yet showering is a fiasco - can't do it myself, and we have no tub. Back to work and WrenHouse clients as well. Fun to watch reactions to "thumb surgery." I must say, the pain is nasty, yet I know this pain is beneficial - aargh. 

Jan. 25 - Work and work! Busy day - 11 hours, then leftover soup for dinner. Good news is that I'm sleeping pretty well. My pain was the worst at night, and often kept me awake. This pain seems to subside at night, for which I'm incredibly grateful. 

Jan. 26 - Today! Learning how to manipulate my two fingers on my left hand to be pinchers and holders. Oh, and the blow-dryer between my knees as I dry my hair! Grand-daughter's cheer competition that I've missed, patient visits instead, checking in on my WrenHouse clients, and going to attempt to have a normal evening (that means dinner before 7pm, perhaps a Friday evening movie).

Jan 27-31 - Julie's Birthday tomorrow, Dentist and work and WrenHouse on Monday, my birthday on Tuesday, and the month is over!!! 

Life is good, experiences, planned and bonuses, are the theme of our lives, and yet - there is magic everywhere. From some phenomenal experiences with clients, to networking and making new friends, to enhancing friendships and strengthening family, to waiting and watching, and laughing out of absurdity and joy, as magic continues to unfold. Being curious is so much better than being fearful or indifferent, makes my life so rich. 



Monday, January 1, 2024

Welcome 2024 - New Year's Resolutions -

2024 - away we go - 

I've been saving thoughts that might make it into my "Resolutions" handbook, and while they are all inspirational, I think I'll be working on - 

1. Staying focused at work for 4 more months

2. Exercise 5x a week

3. Being intentional in all I do.

However - these thoughts will remain a part of my journey - 

We're all just walking each other home. 

Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves. (Lauren Eden)

It's OK to lose your shit sometimes, because if you keep the shit, you end up full of shit. Then you explode and there'll be shit everywhere. It'll be a shit storm, and nobody wants that. 

Daughter, spend your life Loving. Not seeking Love. Ocean need not seek water. (Dr. Jaiya John)

Love is everywhere; Enough for everyone. If we but offer and receive. 

Seriously considering filling my pockets with glitter so when someone near me says something really stupid or rude, I'll just reach into my pocket, with a dead expression, and release the glitter into the sky above their head and watch it shower over them like a baptism of common sense. 

Yet just in case I need reassurance that I'm on the right track - 


For the introvert in me, motivation as I prepare for retirement the first part of May: 

I don't want a career, I want to wear a fancy robe covered in stars and dispense confusing and ambiguous advice to passing travelers from a large stone cottage on the edge of the woods where I live with a parliament of owls.




Thursday, December 28, 2023

Faith - False Hope -



I've had several patients die this month, and I ache for their loved ones who remain. Even for those who have a belief in a Higher Power, the loss can be overwhelming. I see this particularly when the caregiver/loved one is the only family member and has been relied on so much - they basically lose their lives in service, then really don't have a life to move forward with. Lost. As well, I see this with divided families - death can really tear a family apart, rather than unite, which is heart-breaking. 

I've heard these phrases over and over again - "We have faith," and "God will provide." While these sound powerful, as a Latter-day Saint, I am taught faith without works is dead - and the faith may be in behalf of those caring for the loved one, whose works make them competent in their roles, and I should go to God with a specific request, not an open-ended request. I see this often - "We believe in miracles," and so when the patient does not survive, or has been on life-support for weeks, without any improvement, the fault becomes the medical team's, which is a heavy heavy burden. Watching someone decline over weeks, then watching family members be difficult and outright mean or in denial, causes undue harm to not only their loved-one, but also to providers and caregivers. "We have faith," "We believe in miracles," may be simply that their loved on no longer suffers and life-support is withdrawn.