Divorce - and Moving On - (Not Me)

I have a friend who announced this week that he's signing divorce papers. His wife filed in February, and they've had an on and off reconciliation, separation time since.

And he's sad; he's frustrated; he's angry; he's just plain tired - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially.

I hurt for him. Divorce sucks - the process is horrible, but staying in a bad marriage is tragic.

As I've been thinking about him this week I remembered two thoughts (here's a bundle of some good quotes) that got me through the "moving forward" phase of my own divorce.

This one because I needed to remember, and needed to be reminded that even in my toughest times there was sunshine, and that I could get through hard times, and that life is about living, not existing, and that I could be happy - moving forward helped with my happiness. 

I'm not a huge Dr. Seuss fan, but this saying really helped me move forward - there were good times, and if I only focused on the bad times I would never be able to heal. And if I focused on the bad times, I was not sending the best message to my children, who were the biggest blessings I could have ever asked for. So, my marriage was tough, so I lived in anger - a lot, there were moments of happiness, and I had to remember those. 

Lastly 

(and not just for me, but remembering my divorce was "our" divorce, 

and for the best for both of us) -

Dear friend - Life is good; moving forward is hard, yet standing still is terrible, horrible, no good, really bad. You will be fine, and until you recognize this, I'm here, you have a world of friends who will support you as you begin, again. 

Dropping Shoes -

I've had a tough few weeks/months. And I think I've figured out the reason for my franticness, my near panicness.

April 18 was the "magic" date, yet there really wasn't any magic to the date, just a number I chose based on, ummm, numbers! And to some extent it was the number I could give myself that was the guarantee that cancer would no longer be a part of my life (the last day of radiation).

And yet - there are still so many "what if's," and I've lived with this apple dangling in front of my for 5 years, and now I have the apple in my hand, and I'm still wondering what was so wonderfully amazing and final about April 18.

The past several months I've been preparing for that drop-dead date, but not really knowing or acknowledging that I was - in my mind that preparation was for going to England, going to Holland, finishing the semester, going full-time at the hospital, or some other event or series of events.

So - this winter I put my house in order - from emptying the freezer to ironing my summer clothes to finishing up any unfinished project - no stone was left unturned in my hurriedness to be prepared.

There have been no disasters! Both trips were fantastic, went as smoothly as they possibly could, the garden is growing, Scott and I are at our healthiest, and the summer is mine.

So I should be happy, frolicking through yard, but I'm not. I'm sad; I'm angry; I'm anxious; and I've been at a high level of bitchiness - and of course Scott is the recipient of my crap (and for that I'm really sad, which just makes me more bitchy and more disappointed).

When will this level of panic settle down? It's as if I've been waiting for the crap of the past 15 years to really calm down, but it's been more than 15 years, and I would love to tell my younger self to "let it go," and live in the present, but I can't even tell the today self this.

I have been working so hard to be healthy - body, mind, spirit, career, family - and things are so good, and I am healthy -

I KNOW both shoes have dropped; I KNOW there is no need to panic; I KNOW my life is phenomenal, but what I don't know is this - how do I accept happiness? How do I become "just fine" with a beautiful life? How do I not cause panic?

BTW - 8 quarts of chili, 8 quarts of chicken rice soup, 8 pints of cooked brown and white rice, 8 pints of cooked quinoa and teff in the freezer - filling up that cleaned freezer - why?

What's next? Why can't I be happy right now, content, fine with the way things are? Is there anything wrong with being content, being fine, accepting goodness? Ronda - you are not missing any shoes.

Finally - A Day Off -

I have not had a day off work (hospital, teaching, grading) in three months. Holy cow that's a long long time.

Not only that, but I really haven't had a spare moment since Christmas holiday to do anything besides exist. And I know I've been traveling, and I won't whine, but time in my home is a gift.

And Friday was my day off! I painted a wall and touched up paint in other areas of the house (that have been needing touched-up for a long long time), and I sat in the sun and read a book (Gulp), and I visited with my husband, and I "puttered," which in my late father's words meant doing a whole lot of nothing.

Yet - all of this since 9:30 this morning!

This weekend - in between getting some sun and visiting some graves, I think I'll defrost the freezer!

Am I nesting? Maybe just tidying the nest - reclaiming my space!

Life is good.

Before

After

John Steve Lineback - Rest in Peace -

You'd think as much as I work around death that I'd just blow it off, but I don't. Every patient, every co-breast cancer friend, every single death affects me - both by the living of that person and by their death.

And sometimes I sob, sometimes I cringe, sometimes I stuff, and yet every single time I carry a bit of that person on, almost as a memorial, because they have affected my life and live on in me.

And that's nothing new or complimentary of me, but just saying that they have had an impact on my life, and will continue to.

Today I sob, stuff, cringe, and smile at the death, and life, of my friend and mentor, Steve Lineback. His quiet but bold guidance gave me the "stuff I need" to become a chaplain. He just happened to be in his chaplain's office at the hospital when my therapist called - to see how I could become a chaplain. And he had the answers as well as the encouragement, and a week later I was in the chaplain education program.

He was there when I faced my boards - boldly challenging me on thoughts and writings and processes, and then gently giving me the "welcome to the group" handshake and hug. And two weeks later appointed this greenie to a position within chaplaincy I was not qualified for - yet he thought the best was to learn was to dive right in.

He quickly made time for me when I had questions, concerns, job-hunting dead ends, and he always made me question myself and my motives, then quickly reminded me that if God wanted me to be a chaplain, I would do that if, "I stayed the course."

He was always teaching me - even three weeks before dying he shared scriptural and personal stories that softened my heart and taught me about the strength that comes from facing death, fully.

At Steve's funeral yesterday I was once again taught and fed and challenged and comforted. Steve's reach was far and deep, and he will always be with me - in the lessons, in his sideways smile and chuckle, and in his well-known and often-given phrase, "Go slow, stay great."

Thank you Steve, for teaching me. I am working on the slow and great - always will.

Some Days are Stones -

Hell of a day; bitchin' terrible day in fact. I've cussed like a sailor this evening and cursed my Higher Power.

And then I visited with a friend, whose family is in turmoil right now, and talked with another whose ex is horribly in legal trouble, and another friend who can't find an apartment for he and his handicapped son, and another and another and another.

And I'm reminded of this poem my wise grandmother would share, and I had to stop and apologize to the world of goodness that I live in (even though my freakin' health insurance payments are killing me, and I work at a hospital, and I still can't afford to see a doctor, because chaplains are the last to be recognized and the first to be needed, and I have no benefits) -

Today upon a bus, I saw
A lovely maid with golden hair;
I envied her - she seemed so gay -
And oh, I wished I were so fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle,
She had one foot and wore a crutch,
But as she passed, a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine;
I have two feet - the world is mine.

And when I stopped to buy some sweets,
The lad who served me had such charm;
He seemed to radiate good cheer,
His manner was so kind and warm.
I said, "It's nice to deal with you,
Such courtesy I seldom find."
He turned and said, "Oh, thank you, sir!"
And I saw that he was blind.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine;
I have two eyes - the world is mine.

Then, when walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue.
He stood and watched the others play;
It seemed he knew not what to do,
I stopped a moment, then I said:
"Why don't you join the others, dear?"
He looked ahead without a word,
And then I knew; He could not hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine;
I have two ears - the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go,
With eyes to see the sunset's glow,
With ears to hear what I should know:
I'm blessed indeed, The world is mine;
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.

I'm Home!

The past six weeks has been a whirl-wind of traveling, and I am so grateful I've had the opportunity to travel internationally. It's a dream I've always had, and to be able to do so the past couple of years has been a dream-come-true.

And I'm grateful to be home. I love my home, and I love being home. My home is a place of solace, comfort, rest, rejuvenation, and peace.

I am blessed to be able to leave my home knowing that coming home is going to be as wonderful as the adventures I've been on.

Sitting in a railway station
With my suitcase in my hand
Going back where I came from
I've had more than I can stand
Of watching them destroy my dreams
They picked my brain till it was clean
When I was up they knocked me down
I ain't going to hand around, I'm going home

I'm going home, going home
Tell someone to meet me I'm coming home

Came to this old town seeking fortune and some fame
Never got the chance to prove myself,
Though I tried to play their game
But using people just ain't my thing
And won't dangle from any string
To please some fool that don't care about
They turned me inside out, I'm going home

I'm going home, going home
Tell someone to meet me I'm coming home

Tell someone to meet me I'm coming home
I'm going home, going home
Tell someone to meet me I'm coming home

I'm going home, going home
Tell someone to meet me I'm coming home
I'm going home, going home
Tell someone to meet me I'm coming home

Songwriters: Linda Creed / Linda Diane Creed / Thom Bell / Thomas Randolph Bell

I'm Coming Home lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Travel Time - Dotters -

Two weeks is a long time to wait for another oversea trip! So Jenna and I are headed off to the Netherlands and Belgium for a few days. Scott and I were there a year ago, and I love this area, and I wanted to share this with Jenna (along with some unrealized dreams she has).

I love this daughter of mine. In one of the times I've received inspiration it was when I was pregnant with her. Long before casual ultrasounds to determine gender, I knew - with no doubt, that I was going to be rearing my best friend.

Now I'm not saying that I don't have any friends! Or even any best friends, but Jenna - she's my bestie of all besties.

I try not to put too much pressure on her - treating her as my daughter is a tenuous walk - because we share so much, and we know each other so well.

But there are times she needs a mother and I need a daughter, and we've worked really hard at keeping that paramount in our relationship.

Yet - this! I get to spend 10 days with Jenna in a far-off country visiting exotic spaces and places and eating foreign foods and learning about new cultures - well, it's not that exotic, but still . . .

So we're off. And the beauty of this is - her stepfather, Scott, the man who loves his daughter dearly, will be tending her children while her husband is at work. Now - where do you find a man like that?

Happy adventures to us!

School's Out For Summer -

I was 13 when this song came out - yet it was certainly played every May throughout my Junior and High school years.

And I just finished submitting my Spring 2018 UVU grades, and I am singing this song, and I am high-fiving myself for making it through this school year.

It hasn't been unbearable, and my students have been absolutely amazing, and I am happy to have a 4 month break.

Happy Birthday Scott - Mantra -

If Scott had a life motto, it would be this: 

He has no fear of life - he often speaks of living life on life's terms. And he does, and I love him for this perspective. 

Brother's Keeper - Jet Lag -

I recently read:

We are –            

each of us is –
our brother’s and sister’s keeper.

The goal is
to reflect on all this –            
to carry out all this –
with            
tolerance and            
encouragement. 

Helen Dunbar Flanders

I've had chronic jet lag since coming home from England, and - I'm leaving again on May 7 for 10 days. I've been worried, not necessarily having jet lag when I get to Holland, but it's the return that gives me cause to mourn. 

I knew this past week was going to be tough - jumping right off the plane and into 40 hours of hospital work and 10 hours of last week of class was on the docket for me, and I figured I'd push through. 

And I did, and I'm healthy, and yet the past couple of days have worn me down, and I slept 9 1/2 hours last night. And boy, what a difference some deep sleep makes. 
Because of my jet lag, I pushed through the week, but I don't think I was able to live through the week. I was mostly available, and that meant to those who really needed me, not those who wanted me. In fact, they've had to push through the week with me!

I've helped others, automatically, but I have not been the best brother's keeper, because my self-care has been limited. I really don't like existing - pushing through the day to day without a single moment to pause. I NEED to pause; I need rest, a moment of peace, time for contemplation. I want to be present, not semi-asleep! 

We are each a helper and a helpee. And in caring for ourselves we are then capable of caring for the other - with tolerance and encouragement.